Nate "Hollywood" Loveridge

You big, stupid jellyfish.

I’m updating. But who exactly am I updating? The one person that ever really looked at this probably has forgotten I exist. And while I have forgotten her name, I haven’t forgotten her face. I suppose it’s more or less a cry for some sort of validation. The hopes that I am discovered by some great person, a mentor who will take me under their wing and show me how to live life without fucking up everyone else’s lives too. It’s amazing. I did so well with not whining and complaining to people until I got onto this site again. Maybe it’s just all the repressed memories. Who knows, and who really cares except me? The one person who should care, my girlfriend, the one who I’ve been doing everything for, is also the one who thinks its perfectly fine to steal $4500 from me and not tell me. Why haven’t I dumped her? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe the fear of being alone, maybe it’s the fear of change. Or maybe it’s just the fact that my lease isn’t up for another 3 months. What exactly is there to update anyway? Bought a giant, $1000 TV, quit a job, got suspended from another, and hosted two parties. I suppose that I have learned one thing about myself, I am not the angry drunk, nor am I the super emotional drunk. I am the happy, affectionate, and a little too hugsy type of drunk. But it could be worse. Haven’t smoked weed in a while. That might have helped, but unfortunately, being tight for money doesn’t help. And there’s my update. Fascinating right?

I am ripped skin over broken bone,
Covered in tainted blood.
Agonizing over what makes me different.
The lies have caught me, the web unwoven.
The moment of happiness and peace gives way
To shattered teeth from harsh words.
What once was will be again,
As time falls to a cataclysmic end.
A butterfly flaps its wings and is torn to shreds,
On the other side of the world a cruel man is knighted.
The things that make me, hate me and break me.
Blood falls from scarred eyes.
Embracing darkness as an old friend,
A final agreement falls on deaf ears.

Facebook: The place where I put on my mask of being a great person.

myYearbook: The place where I show my happy and fun-loving side.

tumblr: The place where I reveal the real me, the side that wants to destroy and be destroyed.

Not everything deviant is a crime, and not all crimes are deviant.

glamourkillss:

Meet Jade. She killed herself three days after making this video…

this hit. hard.

ohmygod.

heartbreaking

(via 0-owhato-o-deactivated20110517)

0-owhato-o-deactivated20110517 asked: I deleted my MYB because of reasons and I'll get on Skype the next few nights so hopefully we can talk then

I hope so. I miss you.

ollieollieoxycontin asked: omg i sent you that message weeks ago lol

I know. Lol. I just kept forgetting it was there. Lol.

0-owhato-o-deactivated20110517 asked: Help huh.... do you mean it like HELP I"M CRYING or HELP I DROPPED MY PIECE OF BREAD ON THE FLOOR AND IT LANDED BUTTER SIDE DOWN.... personally I hate when my bread lands on the floor butter side down more XD.... but seriously I don't want anything bad to happen to you so please please if anythings wrong get a hold of me either MYB or on here. I check both of them every day and I dont want anything bad happening to you. I want you to smile and be happy and be able to walk down the road and just be like fuck its raining but who gives a shit la la la... anyways... I'm here if you ever need me.. just saying

I can’t even find you on mYb anymore…maybe you changed your profile name or something. I don’t know.

ollieollieoxycontin asked: YOU'RE NEVER EVEN ON TUMBLR :P

That is definitely not true. =P lol

0-owhato-o-deactivated20110517 asked: Actually me and Gabe are over... and I saved a ducky today =3

that has nothing to do with anything but I thought I would share the fact

Well thats good. =) And I miss Skyping with you. =( When can we do that again?

And you, can bring me to my knees
Again
All the times,
That I could beg you please-
In vain
All the times
That I felt insecure
For you
And I leave
My burdens at the door

But I’m on the outside
And I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I felt like this won’t end
It was for you
And I taste
What I could never have
It was from you
All the times
That I’ve cried
My intentions
Were full of pride
But I waste
More time than anyone

But I’m on the outside
And I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I’ve cried
All this wasted
It’s all inside
And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down 
It’s back again
And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend
But I feel
Tomorrow will be okay

But I’m on the outside
And I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
‘Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

0-owhato-o-deactivated20110517 asked: why did we stop talking?

Because you’re with Gabe and whenever you talked about him…I hurt a lot. But the hurt I felt isn’t enough to prevent me from missing you… (p.s. I don’t know how to send messages on tumblr =/)

*Me and Misty looking at her 8th Grade Yearbook*

Me: Wow, she’s cute.

Her: Yeah, she has like three kids now.

Me: Well, I guess that with a face like that, its to be expected.

Her: She has two kids and is pregnant with her third.

Me: Wow.

* A minute later *

Me: Wow, she’s really cute too.

Her: …Thats a boy.

Me…

* Awkward Silence *

Me: Then thats one cute ass boy.

* Uncontrollable laughing is go *

Why I have done what I have done is something that I will never know. At the end of the day I am still able to sit here and cry, because I know what I have done, and what I have lost. I have lost the last shreds of my innocence, the last shreds of anything that made me a decent person. I have fallen into the deadly embrace, the grey death trap that the rest of society has fallen into. I sit here, wondering how I could have failed so badly. Consistently crashing and burning. A neverending fall into black and red. Slowly forgetting the white and blue. Forgetting what it meant to be happy. I have made so many mistakes. I treated people badly that I never should have. I was one of the few completely nice guys that I knew. However, that was merely because I had never experienced love and loss. I’m being corroded. Losing what substance I have. I barely eat. I constantly feel hunger in my stomach, but I don’t eat. Maybe because the thought of doing something to continue my sad and destructive existence seems purposeless, and a detriment to society. Eventually I eat though, because of basic survival instincts. I sleep a lot. Seems like too much. I don’t see very many people. I worry about what I would say or what I would do, and how it would turn out wrong. My life is like a movie. A fucked up, twisted movie. Where the hero dies suddenly and that’s the end.